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1. I'm nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm perfect.
2. If I save time, when do I get it back?
3. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
4. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
5. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
6. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops.On my desk, I have a work station... What more can I say.
7. If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?
8. Living on Earth may be expensive... but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
9.Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep!
10.ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY! So what? Who's in a hurry?
11.A good discussion is like a miniskirt; Short enough to maintain interest and long enough to cover the subject.
> This is from newshound Dave
> Barry's colonoscopy journal:
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist,
> to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office,
> Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to
> go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
>
> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me
> in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
> didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,
>
> 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
> BEHIND!'
>
> I left Andy's office with some 20 written
> instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which
> comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
> MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow
> it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting
> around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
> preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food
> that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with
> less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets
> of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
> lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is
> about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an
> hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of
> goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
>
> The instruct ions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
> somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a
> loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that
> after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
> --
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be
> too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is
> pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
> times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
> pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
> everything.
> --
> And then, when you figure you must be totally empty,
> you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can
> tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you
> have not even eaten yet.
> --
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to
> sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
> Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
> occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I
> spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
> Flowers would not be enough.
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging
> that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
> Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went
> inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of
> those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
> put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a
> vein in my left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very
> good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put
> vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of
> this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy
> to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose
> Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
> procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.
> I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
> there somewhere.
>
> I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me
> roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something
> up to the needle in my hand.
>
> There was music playing in the room, and I realized
> that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all
> the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing
> Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
>
> You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
> somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had
> been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
> yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what
> it was like.
>
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One
> moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,'
> and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very
> mellow mood.
>
> Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I
> felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It
> was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never
> been prouder of an internal organ.
> ============================
> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
> columnist for the Miami Herald.
>
> On the subject of Colonoscopies. .. Colonoscopies
> are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... . A
> physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
> patients
> (predominately male) while he was performing their
> colonoscopies:
>
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no
> man has gone before!
>
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
>
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there
> yet?'
>
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally
> married.'
>
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
>
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left
> hand out...'
>
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
>
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
>
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
>
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't
> you?'
>
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
>
> And the best one of all.
> 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that
> my head is not up there?'
_________________ Θάνος antesco@openreef.gr
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